This tooth of truth

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm not quite sure what is up with me these past two days. Yesterday I took a walk with a friend and learned that he suffered abuse at 12 as did I. It was a long walk with really open conversation and I adore him, but afterward I just feel so odd. It was really cathartic to talk so frankly about that time in my life and I felt like I just didn't want to stop. It was really different to talk about it with someone who is not only compassionate about it but who can truly empathize. Or sympathize. Whatever. But it kinda opened the floodgates and I now feel stranded and pretty overwhelmed. I want to continue talking about it, but not really with anyone but him. I know other people in my life who have been victimized, but I haven't had a connection with any of those people like I do with him. So I feel like trying to continue the conversation with him, but I don't want to put him through undue stress and I don't want to send him reeling like I am. I do trust that he would tell me if he wasn't in the space to talk or hear about it, but it's so awkward. It made me feel quite close to him, yet I don't know him that well. Well, I guess I feel like I do know him well, but he's one of those people to me that I really really like but I don't get to see or talk to very often. Life is different for us, and I have felt that he probably has enough friends as it is, so why fit me in? It's like me and Kelly. I love her forever - have since the 6th grade. But our paths are pretty different and though we live 10 minutes apart from eachother, we rearely see eachother or even find the time to talk. But I know that if she ever needed anything, I would drop everything and do it. To further complicate things for me, I'm really attracted to him. He knows it, Missy knows it, my friends can read me like a book so they know it. I know that is one of the things that is throwing me for a loop here. Like because I feel closer to him now, and I'm still attracted to him, something is not right. But everything is fine. I know my therapist would say I've cheated on Missy. She constitutes basically anything as cheating. I never have talked about our history there. And I'm not cheating. There's nothing wrong with feeling close to a friend. Maybe it's just that I've really needed my friends in the past months, and I feel like something is missing. I can't verbalize what it is that I need to Nik or Sarah, sometimes even to Missy. And that is totally my problem and fault, I know. I just feel really burdened almost all the time, and during the walk yesterday I felt relief. Just a really foreign feeling right now. And now I want more and more - is it wrong to feel greedy about needing or wanting relief? I suppose if it's destructive, but what's destructive about a friendship between two people who have things in common? I feel like I'm justifying something, but there's nothing for me to justify. Ok, maybe the fantasies, but really - those don't count. You can't take away my fantasies - some days they're all I have. I just still can't really get over that he shared a similar abuse history.

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