This tooth of truth

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Yesterday I went to the commitment ceremony for two friends. Missy couldn't come because she has family in town this weekend. It was such a beautiful ceremony. I wish that she would have been able to be there with me to witness the ceremony and to be a part of their proclamation. It wasn't hokey or religious. It was just an exhibit of their love and commitment to each other at the witness of their friends and family. It was celebrating their love and their life together. I would love to have something like that where it is casual but classy. Short and sweet and poignant. It was meaningful.

This weekend has been surrounded by cancer. Missy's aunt is in town and she was recently diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. She's not taking any treatment. She decided to go for quality of life versus quantity. She seems at times alright for the most part, then at other times very depressed. I can't imagine walking around with that knowledge. She and I had some time alone and she was talking about all the trials she and her partner are going through trying to tie things up, get everything transferred out of her name, what she's going to do when she's gone. She told me that Missy and I have to talk about that and come up with a plan. Being the bitter crab that I can at many times be, I went off a little bit about how nothing would matter right now because she has everything fucking tied up with Tonya. She agreed that it's fucked up and really messy. Sometimes I like to think that had things not been so fucked up with their relationship, all of the stuff I'm going through right now wouldn't seem as overwhelming. But literally, I have no respite. No relief. No sanctuary. That is so hard. I ran into an old friend at Pride today and she and her partner just bought a house. She told me she was glad to see that Missy and I are still together. Yeah, we're still together, but I'm not sure how much we've grown or how far we've come. There's an enormous roadblock in our way, and I'm so incredibly tired of it. All I do is bitch about it. It takes up so much of my mental energy and space. I can't wait for it all to be over.

Friday, June 18, 2004

And jsut like that, things change! I submitted my final budgets project for managerial accounting and received a message back from my instructor telling me I don't have to take the final because there is no way I wouldn't receive and A in the class. So all I have to do is show up and fill out the evaluation and I'm done with the class! So now I only have the statistics final, and I have 2 solid days to study for that. Relief!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I'm overwhelmed. I have way too much on my plate and I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to take 4 summer classes and do an internship on a leave of absence. Things have been absolutely insane, I don't feel rested at all. But I do feel pretty much productive.

It's the one year anniversary of dad's diagnosis on the 19th. They're on their way to Florida to be there for Jack's first birthday. I hate that Kati and Dave moved to Florida - now even more so since Jack was born. It kills me that he's turning 1 and I won't be there for his birthday. Kati and Jack are coming up July 12, so we're going to have a party then. No one has said anything about it being a year since the diagnosis. I wonder if anyone will. Looking back on this past year astonishes me. So much has happened.

I started school, and am almost finished. I finally got the hell out of CIP and went to Habitat, only to get an internship and hopefully a job at 3M - right in the middle of layoffs. I had my third knee surgery and all four wisdom teeth pulled. Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Twice. I started therapy again. I bought a new car and a computer - 2 out of the 3 things on my list. I'll get a bike next summer. I gave my mom my car. Tonya and Missy talked about Tonya moving out in a year - Missy and I have already started plans for the house when that happens. Missy turns 30. Missy's aunt was diagnosed with cancer. Missy and I have gone through so much together. I've thought I could move out, and I'm glad that thought was just in passing. I have such high hopes that all this shit that I'm putting myself through, and the shit that I'm going through that is not of my own doing, will benefit me and I will take lessons from each of those experiences. I just hope I'm not being too idealistic. Too late to turn back.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I'm pretty sure I'm pretty close to having a break down. I have way, way too much on my plate right now. I can't wait until the 20th, because then my Spring finals will be over and I can concentrate on Summer classes. I'm already behind in the project management class, but the prof told me just to let him know if I need more time, since it's directed study, and that would be fine. Well I just don't want to say anything - I don't want to show that I bit off more than I can chew. But I will have to, and will send him an e-mail this morning.

I'm disgusted with Tonya lately. She has this idea that she is entitled to whatever whack desire she wants. She has zero boundaries, no self-control, can't take care of her own day-to-day stuff and I'm sick of it. I can't live with a person like that in my space anymore. I have no mental energy to put up with her shit anymore. Missy will never get it, either. She doesn't get that I'm stressed because of work and school and my family. I wish I had a place to go that was away from the 2 of them. For like 3 weeks, so I can get stuff done and not feel guilty for not paying enough attention to Missy and for seemingly being a moody bitch. And apparently I'm moody because instead of ripping someone's head off I choose to not really be chatty. But that makes me a bitch, so whatever. I'm starting to think I should quit Habitat and not take a leave. Too late now, though.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

So when Missy and I painted our bedroom this weekend, everything had to come out then be put back in. All of my journals were in a stack in the bedroom, and I decided to get rid of the old ones instead of keeping them. They're just full of crap, anyway. Although, I did learn a lot from that crap. It's mostly me being depressed, me lamenting over Sarah or me cursing Kris' name. For some reason she was on my mind this weekend - like how sometimes I'm convinced I"m having a premonition, and then it ends up happening. Well it hasn't happened yet. But the vision I have in my head is me walking in to some establishment (much like the last time I saw the swine) and I see her and at first ignore her. Then I stand up or something and in a very loud and clear voice, call out "Oh look! There's the sexual predator who destroyed my adolescence. And she's a police officer at the University! Look everybody - there she is! That's what a pedophile looks like!" Then maybe she freaks out and bolts, or maybe she starts talking back to me and I through a napkin dispenser at her or something. Nah, that would just be in my head. All I would have to engage is what I had already said. There would be no other reaction or words I would want to give her. She could just go to her grave with that.

Enough with that tangent. What I was thinking about was that I read through some of the journals before I threw them away and the only thing that struck me was that I said "I wish there was a place on my body that I could cut. And instead of bleeding blood I would bleed Sarah" I'm no cutter, nor have I ever been/will be. It just struck me.