This tooth of truth

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Some days are easier than others. Today is not one. It's hard to not think about the possibility of death all the time. Even though Dad is still alive, I have this looming sense of regret and grief - like he's already gone. I'm mourning the loss of him before I've gone through it. Mary says it's because my sub-conscious is preparing me for the time when I will have to be the solid-headed one of the family and keep everyone together and going. Which is not a far stretch from reality. Peace keeper. The calm in the storm. But it's unfortunate that I'm wasting valuable time with my dad when he is here because I'm wrapped up in thinking about the what-ifs and what it will be like. I catch myself thinking that way and it doesn't even sound like me thinking or talking. It can't be. It doesn't seem real. It shouldn't be.

What I really want is for him to be there when I graduate. I want him to see his youngest finally receive her BS - and from a Catholic college to boot. I don't think he ever really thought I would do it. I want him to be here when I do. It's really only 9 months away. I feel like that is a lot to ask. That makes me really sad.


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