This tooth of truth

Monday, March 07, 2005

I'm not quite sure what is up with me these past two days. Yesterday I took a walk with a friend and learned that he suffered abuse at 12 as did I. It was a long walk with really open conversation and I adore him, but afterward I just feel so odd. It was really cathartic to talk so frankly about that time in my life and I felt like I just didn't want to stop. It was really different to talk about it with someone who is not only compassionate about it but who can truly empathize. Or sympathize. Whatever. But it kinda opened the floodgates and I now feel stranded and pretty overwhelmed. I want to continue talking about it, but not really with anyone but him. I know other people in my life who have been victimized, but I haven't had a connection with any of those people like I do with him. So I feel like trying to continue the conversation with him, but I don't want to put him through undue stress and I don't want to send him reeling like I am. I do trust that he would tell me if he wasn't in the space to talk or hear about it, but it's so awkward. It made me feel quite close to him, yet I don't know him that well. Well, I guess I feel like I do know him well, but he's one of those people to me that I really really like but I don't get to see or talk to very often. Life is different for us, and I have felt that he probably has enough friends as it is, so why fit me in? It's like me and Kelly. I love her forever - have since the 6th grade. But our paths are pretty different and though we live 10 minutes apart from eachother, we rearely see eachother or even find the time to talk. But I know that if she ever needed anything, I would drop everything and do it. To further complicate things for me, I'm really attracted to him. He knows it, Missy knows it, my friends can read me like a book so they know it. I know that is one of the things that is throwing me for a loop here. Like because I feel closer to him now, and I'm still attracted to him, something is not right. But everything is fine. I know my therapist would say I've cheated on Missy. She constitutes basically anything as cheating. I never have talked about our history there. And I'm not cheating. There's nothing wrong with feeling close to a friend. Maybe it's just that I've really needed my friends in the past months, and I feel like something is missing. I can't verbalize what it is that I need to Nik or Sarah, sometimes even to Missy. And that is totally my problem and fault, I know. I just feel really burdened almost all the time, and during the walk yesterday I felt relief. Just a really foreign feeling right now. And now I want more and more - is it wrong to feel greedy about needing or wanting relief? I suppose if it's destructive, but what's destructive about a friendship between two people who have things in common? I feel like I'm justifying something, but there's nothing for me to justify. Ok, maybe the fantasies, but really - those don't count. You can't take away my fantasies - some days they're all I have. I just still can't really get over that he shared a similar abuse history.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Well my internship is coming to a close. Thankfully. I have my exit interview in 2 days and hope to learn something about job prospects there. It's hard not to get my hopes up, although I know I have to remain realistic about things.

Last night Missy and I met Eric for dinner and drinks. It was really good to see him and it made me realize how much I like him and wish he was more involved in my life. Missy thinks it's only because I think he's hot - but she would think that. His family is going through the same type of stuff mine is - and although that breaks my heart to learn of another friend of mine having to go through something as devastating as cancer, there is some comfort in that a friend of mine now has the cancer life. I can't describe it - but I think it basically boils down to sympathy versus empathy. It's awful news to learn of yet another person being affected by cancer, though. It breaks my heart.

Speaking of cancer: my dad got his results from the latest ct scan today. The tumors shrunk again and he will be taking 2 months off of chemo. It sounded like the doctor is perhaps at an impasse with his case. She said that if he continued chemo right now, it would kill him. So they will take a 2 month break, do another ct scan then decide what the next course of action will be. My mom said that the doctor didn't give another prognosis, and that my dad didn't ask. I don't know why, but it really struck me today that the treatment that my dad is taking is literally capable of killing him. I can't count how many times I've said that, but for some reason today, it really was driven home. I'm terrified of the outcome but will continue to hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

It's been a while. I'm well into the 10-week internship; in fact, I only have 3.5 weeks left. It's interesting and challenging, but only because my ideas about corporate life and my perfectionism are challenging me. The work itself itsn't really stretching my bounds or capabilities. I am being challenged because there is a main project I have been assigned that basically will not get done by anyone in the department, let alone an intern. The last iteration of this project took a seasoned employee 7 months to put together, and they gave the next generation to an intern with only 8 weeks to go. Needless to say I am not making satisfactory progress which is really hard for me to do. I feel like it is a reflection on my work ethic or my abilities, when I know that it is just beyond the scope of an internship.

Aside from that, other things are brewing, too. Missy and Tonya talked about Tonya moving out when she graduates. I'll believe it when I see it, but I think the conversation in itself is a huge step. I really think things in our relationship will change somewhat dramatically if Tonya were to move out. Regardless of whether or not I buy into the mortgage at this house or if Missy and I buy a new house (which may be ideal, but somewhat unreasonable to expect) things will hopefully be different around here for me. Even though it's 3 years since I've been living here, I still don't really feel like it's my home. That's too long of a time to live somewhere you can't call home.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I'm not sure why I continue to blow off writing papers until the very last minute. I always end up embarrassed about the work I finally do turn in and it takes me forever to crank anything of substance out. Maybe it's ADD. Or maybe it's a genuine lack of interest that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on the task at hand and complete it. Either way, I have an hour and a half to finish this before it's technically late - the instructor probably already considers it late. Is midnight of the day it's due still considered on-time? What an idiot I can be.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Yesterday I went to the commitment ceremony for two friends. Missy couldn't come because she has family in town this weekend. It was such a beautiful ceremony. I wish that she would have been able to be there with me to witness the ceremony and to be a part of their proclamation. It wasn't hokey or religious. It was just an exhibit of their love and commitment to each other at the witness of their friends and family. It was celebrating their love and their life together. I would love to have something like that where it is casual but classy. Short and sweet and poignant. It was meaningful.

This weekend has been surrounded by cancer. Missy's aunt is in town and she was recently diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. She's not taking any treatment. She decided to go for quality of life versus quantity. She seems at times alright for the most part, then at other times very depressed. I can't imagine walking around with that knowledge. She and I had some time alone and she was talking about all the trials she and her partner are going through trying to tie things up, get everything transferred out of her name, what she's going to do when she's gone. She told me that Missy and I have to talk about that and come up with a plan. Being the bitter crab that I can at many times be, I went off a little bit about how nothing would matter right now because she has everything fucking tied up with Tonya. She agreed that it's fucked up and really messy. Sometimes I like to think that had things not been so fucked up with their relationship, all of the stuff I'm going through right now wouldn't seem as overwhelming. But literally, I have no respite. No relief. No sanctuary. That is so hard. I ran into an old friend at Pride today and she and her partner just bought a house. She told me she was glad to see that Missy and I are still together. Yeah, we're still together, but I'm not sure how much we've grown or how far we've come. There's an enormous roadblock in our way, and I'm so incredibly tired of it. All I do is bitch about it. It takes up so much of my mental energy and space. I can't wait for it all to be over.

Friday, June 18, 2004

And jsut like that, things change! I submitted my final budgets project for managerial accounting and received a message back from my instructor telling me I don't have to take the final because there is no way I wouldn't receive and A in the class. So all I have to do is show up and fill out the evaluation and I'm done with the class! So now I only have the statistics final, and I have 2 solid days to study for that. Relief!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I'm overwhelmed. I have way too much on my plate and I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to take 4 summer classes and do an internship on a leave of absence. Things have been absolutely insane, I don't feel rested at all. But I do feel pretty much productive.

It's the one year anniversary of dad's diagnosis on the 19th. They're on their way to Florida to be there for Jack's first birthday. I hate that Kati and Dave moved to Florida - now even more so since Jack was born. It kills me that he's turning 1 and I won't be there for his birthday. Kati and Jack are coming up July 12, so we're going to have a party then. No one has said anything about it being a year since the diagnosis. I wonder if anyone will. Looking back on this past year astonishes me. So much has happened.

I started school, and am almost finished. I finally got the hell out of CIP and went to Habitat, only to get an internship and hopefully a job at 3M - right in the middle of layoffs. I had my third knee surgery and all four wisdom teeth pulled. Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Twice. I started therapy again. I bought a new car and a computer - 2 out of the 3 things on my list. I'll get a bike next summer. I gave my mom my car. Tonya and Missy talked about Tonya moving out in a year - Missy and I have already started plans for the house when that happens. Missy turns 30. Missy's aunt was diagnosed with cancer. Missy and I have gone through so much together. I've thought I could move out, and I'm glad that thought was just in passing. I have such high hopes that all this shit that I'm putting myself through, and the shit that I'm going through that is not of my own doing, will benefit me and I will take lessons from each of those experiences. I just hope I'm not being too idealistic. Too late to turn back.